Archive for May, 2012

A positive and lots of negative

So, today was a good and bad day for me.  Let’s get the good stuff out of the way.  A quick follow up with my class and moving forward with LGBTQ support in my education department: It was great!  People came in and ate and asked questions.  They took hand outs and signed up to have safe zone orientations within their classes during the fall.  They also said they would like to have a safe zone orientation within the department at some time.  So I know my presence and persistence is making a difference on campus.

But I was reminded again that one, I am losing my mind in grad school, and two, I am tired of working so hard to be successful, but I am always playing catching up.  

As far as losing weight, it is never good enough.  It has taken 5 months to lose only 20 pounds this year, and 7 months to lose a total of 28 pounds thus far.  

I was also reminded that when I am in grad school, I do not have paid vacation days, insurance, or a set monthly income.  This is VERY hard for me because I know what it is like to have this.  I continue to try and adjust, but it is hard. I need check ups.  I need physical therapy for my ankle.  I need fillings in my teeth.  I need a breast reduction for the pain I feel constantly on my body from the excessive weight.  I miss being able to just go and see my family…

Lastly, I am very very tired of working so hard in grad school.  I think I might drop out.  I am not playing.  I am tired.  I continue to try and write to the best of my ability and it is never good enough.  I am not a writer.  I know that.  I am a speaker and a doer.  I feel as if I am not cut out for this. There are other jobs that I can do without this degree. People choose not to finish all of the time and they still make a living.  I am at that point.  I could move out of this conservative town and successfully work the way I know how.  I just- I don’t know.  I am just done…

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